We are fed the narrative that Aussie drinking culture is an essential part of socialising, but this is a drug induced illusion, promoted by society plugged into a fake reality. When it comes to consumption of this drug some of us fall into the trap of addiction, we abuse it. Shame fills our bodies and the control takes over our mind, body and spirit, taking us further down into the darkness. This is when the cycle begins.
A 24 year cycle of being controlled by substance is finally broken!
I still think about it every day but it’s not a craving, it’s just because it was a huge part of my life. Everything revolved around the booze so I’m re-learning how to live my life free from it, free from the substance that kept me in an internal prison.
It’s been 1 year of adapting to this freedom. It feels so liberating but there is a strange feeling of “ohh yeah I don’t need that anymore”
My early teen years and adult years had been controlled by booze, every thought and every action. As years went by, it was like it was a dirty secret that I was carrying around, like heavy luggage. I hid this secret very well, although I was screaming out internally for help, but that voice was too soft, and no one could hear.
I disguised myself as the party girl, the funny and loose one, so it was ok. People would joke about my drinking and it felt ok because of this identity I created, it seemed to fit the narrative to include the wine into my persona.
I also didn’t look like an alcoholic which helped my disguise. I was a highly functioning alcoholic who looked well presented. The mask I wore became my best friend. I was "fit and healthy" I told myself, people told me this too, confirming in my mind that I was. Again, I really didn’t look like a typical alcoholic that you see in the movies.
I would burn out my adrenals by drinking 3-4 bottles of wine on the weekend and then smash the pavement of Melbourne streets, running 5km with a hangover. The anxiety running through my body needed to be released, it felt like all my anger and rage was being set free on those streets as my heart rate was scarily high. I still thought this was healthy.
I was the girl who would go on a coffee date with my friends and convince them to continue the fun at the pub, then the clubs, just so I could drink. I was that friend that said “fuck it, let’s have a bottle, and another and another”
She sounds fun right?! She was, but she had no self-respect, covered in ego and trauma.
I had so much internal pain and the dark cloud above my head was controlling every move and thought like a slave to the beast.
In my mother phase, things got bad! I was drinking 1 bottle of wine a day. I drank it like a bottle of water. Sometimes I’d leave a tiny amount in the bottle, so I didn’t feel so bad, and I convinced myself I only had 3 glasses of wine but it was really 5 glasses when poured appropriately like they do at the pubs. The next day I’d look in the fridge and see this tiny little amount of wine left in the bottle, it wouldn’t even fill a shot glass and I’d laugh at myself! The things I did to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic!! My special drink to numb my pain, the loneliness and sadness was becoming a toxic addiction which started making me sick. I would drink alone and polish off my bottle while watching tv and talking to friends on the phone, trying to not let the slurring voice give away my secret and reassure myself I wasn’t seeing double on the screen, because when the screen became double, I felt worthless, and I pitied myself. It was as if that point of intoxication was pathetic to me, but I was there most nights.
I would wake up and my first thought was WINE.. I’d say “today is the day I won’t have a wine”. I’d pray and pray so hard I’d cry. Sadly, I never missed a day. (except for the time I did a 30 day challenge which was like living in hell. I'll talk more about this in my book) This cycle was on repeat for years. As afternoon approached, I’d then say to myself “soon I can have my wine and I’ll get through the day because I have my reward at the end” The reward of poisoning myself and sending myself deeper into the darkness! Sounds great, doesn’t it?!
How could I not see? I was anxious, so I’d have a wine, but the wine was causing the anxiety.
Always had a wine in hand. It's 4pm somewhere my Gran would say. Bless her soul.
Motherhood in our modern culture endorses this poison! It’s advertised and glamorized like it’s in fashion, cool and funny to be that loose mum. Movies like “bad mom” and “bridesmaids” feed us this narrative, affirming our beliefs about alcohol.
I see this marketing directed at mums, glamourising drinking. I see this so clearly now and I’m shocked I didn’t notice it before. I was completely asleep and oblivious to what they were doing. I see this manipulation on such a bigger scale now, this is so much bigger than just you and I. This bite from the apple is what is disconnecting us mothers from our true power. They make jokes about it on the radio, on the shows we watch and glamorised articles in the newspaper of women drinking. Some women are even proud of the fact they can drink like men.. I know I was!
Mothers are naturally in the phase of empowerment, gifted and completely in tune with their psychic abilities. Mothers are the portal between the astral and physical world, therefore making this right of passage a very sacred transition in life. When we become mothers, we enter a very delicate stage, we are sleep deprived, anxious, lonely and afraid with the village nowhere to be seen. The open chakra and connection to spirituality is heightened and many of us feel pain, fear or uncomfortableness with this activation. Alcohol is a great way to shut off these psychic gifts and to numb the pain disconnecting us further from our true essence and the integration process of the mother archetype.
When I became a mother I constantly heard people say:
-You deserve a wine
-Go put your feet up, relax and have your wine.
-What a day you've had, let's have a wine.
Deserving the wine is one term that was programmed into my psychology my whole life. I’d see it play out in the environment around me, with family and friends also confirming this program of deserving the reward for my hard day. I could never have just one though... I’d smash a bottle or 2 when I was really sad and depressed and wake up feeling more sick, deflated and ashamed the next day, the cycle would begin again as I was encouraged and endorsed to continue drinking by friends and family because it affirmed their relationship with the booze.
It’s an epidemic of alcoholism! Everyone drinks and if you don’t, you don’t fit in.
My favourite play date was with a bottle or 2 of wine with cheese and biscuits. Let the kids play and mummy and her friends can drown their pain of loneliness in this modern society. Those mothers were beautiful women struggling too, trapped in this cycle and I hung on tight to them because they made me feel like drinking was totally appropriate and acceptable. They didn’t seem as heavily addicted as me though. I’d ask them shamefully “how often do you drink? most of the time they said they would only drink when with me! Again, I felt like the naughty teenage girl being a bad influence on her friends. I then realized their husbands looked at me like my friend’s parents did when I was in high school. I was “that girl” again.
I remember finally going to AA in Melbourne, shaking like a scared little girl, sobbing so much I couldn’t keep it together. My sponsor said most people cry like that their first time which made me feel less humiliated. I was sitting with people who had lost it all! They were much older than me too, some smelt homeless, they lost their families and work, and I was a young mother with a party scene background. I didn’t fit into this group either!
Addiction will take you away from the present.
“First you hate it
Then you get use to it
Then you depend on it
That’s institutionalised”
~Red, Shawshank Redemption.
I’m seeing this with addiction, it’s like an internal prison.
Glamourised "living the dream" mentality and association with alcohol is missing the mark!
Most of us in the Western world are addicted to something. Our phones, substance, porn, technology, sugar, sex, social media, the list goes on! So, you may resonate with my addiction story in some way. Most people are addicted to something. The need and hunger for desires and everything outside of us is amplified so much more in our society. This obsession with the ego of lust and desire is so strong, it's disconnecting us more from unity, oneness and it's become part of our western evolution.
Spiritual hygiene is so important living in these times of screens, social media and over consumption. It's important to reconnect with nature and remember our connection to the Divine/God, this connection is what will bring you home without the need for soothing the pain with substance. Addiction is entrapment and it’s easy to fall into. Most of the time you don’t even know you are in it, until you are out of it. It’s designed that way and marketed to keep us in the prison. It makes us easier to control, like puppets on a string.
These additions take us away from reaching our full potential and our gifts. Since becoming an energy practitioner and becoming more conscious. I can see so clearly now, the trap was keeping me from my Dharma.
I am no psychologist, but I do know first-hand that you can break the cycle!
Sometimes it can start with an energetic healing or simply just hearing a story that resonates. It can activate something within, something spiritual and almost unexplainable. When the chains are loose it’s easier to work on finding your wings and fly to freedom.
I’m still working around shame and guilt because of the choices I made and the way I behaved, but I always chose the wine, the wine before my children, my clients and my body. I knew the wine was making me sick. Addiction will do that you see.. you become greedy and only think about feeding the monster.
If you are going through addiction and need support I'm happy to listen and help in any way I can. Please know I will not judge or think of you any less and every conversation is completely confidential.
In the past I was the one judging the sober person and thought they were just stuck up and entitled, I couldn't bear to be around them, they made me too uncomfortable ( so I don't judge if you feel the same) Those sober people were just empowered, had self respect, and boundaries. It's funny how the things that trigger us the most, also inspire us.
Goodbye to my maiden days, I'm so grateful for it all! I don't need alcohol to have fun, I never actually did.
I hope this story inspires you, please share with anyone else you feel might need support.
Sending so much love from my green fairy heart.
Amanda xx